Hiding the Hurt, Revealing the Hurt
by JantoJones
Summary: Immediately after 'Countrycide', Ianto refuses any medical help and goes home. Warnings for some swearing.


Ianto waved at Tosh as she drove away. The look of concern on her face tore at his heart. She hadn't been happy to leave him, but he'd insisted. Jack had also tried to make him stay at the hub so that he could keep an eye on him. Ianto had carefully brushed his concerns off, telling Jack that he would be fine. Owen was harder to brush off. Doctor Harper was a complete and utter prick, but he _was_ a damn good doctor. Ianto's injuries obviously needed treating, but in his stubbornness wouldn't allow Owen near him. All he wanted to do was to get home to his own bed and his own thoughts. Gwen and Tosh had both wanted to stay with him but he'd persuaded them they would be okay on his own. As he pushed his key into the lock, Ianto realised that he really was alone. Yet again. It was something he was very used to and could cope with. It was his usual position. Normally though, he wasn't bruised and bloodied from severe beatings. The cannibals in the country had successfully managed to add a few more nightmares to his already full night terrors. Ianto very much doubted he would sleep tonight, or any time soon.

Every muscle in his body screamed in protest at every slight movement. He'd never have thought that making a cup of tea would be so painful. Simply lifting the kettle caused his shoulders to throb. The pain came from Ianto having had his hands viciously cuffed behind him. His ribs were also sore from where he'd been kicked, though he doubted they were broken. After drinking his tea, Ianto went to the bathroom to inspect his other injuries. Removing his clothes took some time and effort. The pain almost threatened to overwhelm him. Looking in the mirror was quite shocking. Ianto's forehead was a mess. It was bruised from when he had head-butted the murderous ringleader. More bruising overlaid this and a there was a small cut from where that bitch had brought the rifle butt down on him. The corners of his mouth were red and sore from the filthy gag. Ianto winced and drew a sharp breath as he gingerly touched the huge, purple bruise covering his stomach.

He turned away from the mirror and carefully stepped into the shower. As the warm water cascaded over his body, Ianto felt a little of the pain easing but knew he couldn't stay there all night. He waited for the water to run cold before getting out of the shower and heading to his bed. Lying on his bed was agony as everything throbbed. Ianto lay very still, willing the pain to subside. It soon abated enough for him to fall into a restless sleep. He hovered near the edge of wakefulness for a couple of hours. Ianto managed, at last, to slip into a deeper sleep but was jolted awake by a nightmare of a man eating him alive from the feet up. Giving up on sleep, Ianto got up and got dressed. He put on a long sleeved t-shirt, cargo-pants and boots. He decided that sleep was no longer an option and he didn't feel like watching the TV or reading. He glanced at the clock and saw that it was 3:30am. It was probably not the best time to go for a walk but Ianto went anyway. His head was becoming increasingly fuzzy and he briefly wondered if, maybe, he was concussed but dismissed the thought. A walk in the cool night air would soon clear things. Ianto grabbed his jacket and left the house.

There was a cold breeze blowing, which did nothing to help the pain from the bruising on Ianto's face. He walked for about ten minutes, becoming increasingly dizzy. The pain from the back of his shoulders and his ribs was now excruciating and Ianto was beginning to regret not allowing Owen to check him over. Going out for a walk was probably not the brightest idea either. His dizziness suddenly escalated and before he could stop it, Ianto found himself lying on the freezing cold pavement. He tried to push himself back up, but this sent fresh waves of pain through his body and he slumped back down.

"Had one too many have we, Sir?"

Ianto looked up to see a police officer standing over him.

"Attacked."

It was all he could manage to say and he could feel unconsciousness creeping up on him. The officer's demeanour immediately changed.

"Could you get to the hospital with my help?" He asked. "It's just around the corner."

Ianto nodded and tried not to scream out as he was helped to his feet.

With the officer's aid, Ianto got to the hospital. It had been difficult going, but they'd got there in the end. At reception, the PC explained how he'd found Ianto. The Welshman himself gave his name and address. He also offered them Owen's phone number, explaining that he was his personal physician. It was then Ianto's strength left him. His mind seemed to cloud over, his knees buckled from beneath him and he went down heavily. Blessed oblivion came to him. Within seconds, orderlies appeared with a gurney and quickly lifted the unconscious man onto it.

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Jack Harkness sat in his office staring at the same file he's been looking at for over two hours. Normal people would be asleep, but Jack was not a normal person. He very rarely slept and even if he did, he would probably still be awake tonight. The events of the last couple of days swam around his head. The death and carnage had been horrific but the worst part of it was the fact humans perpetrated it all. He and Owen had gotten away without injury. Tosh had some bruising and Gwen had been peppered with buckshot, which had been successfully treated by Owen. Ianto was the one he was worried about. He'd endured so much violence against him. Jack was certain Ianto needed medical attention but he wouldn't take any. He could be very stubborn at times. He was dragged from his reverie by an alert coming from his computer. Jack looked at the screen and saw a dialogue had appeared, in which was written;

IANTO JONES REGISTERED AT CARDIFF ROYAL INFIRMARY

The hub's computer systems had been programmed to alert the team if any of them registered on any official computer systems. The alerts sounded occasionally but they usually turned out to be someone with the same name as one of them. Jack clicked on the details button. This time it wasn't someone else. This time it was Torchwood's own Ianto Jones. Jack was out of his chair and had his coat on before he knew it.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Jack screeched the SUV into the hospital car park, not really caring where he came to a stop. Even at this hour there were yobs hanging about, who started eyeing up the vehicle instantly. Jack, almost casually, pulled his coat back and let them see his Webley sitting snugly in its holster. Their interest in the car mysteriously disappeared. Once that minor inconvenience was dealt with, Jack ran into hospital. He skidded to a halt in front of the reception desk.

"I'm looking for Ianto Jones."

The receptionist looked up at Jack. She gave him a look of disdain and bored disinterest.

"Are you a relative, Sir?" She asked, sounding as bored as she looked.

"No," Jack replied. "But, I am next of kin."

Torchwood team members automatically gained two of the others as next of kin. If anything happened, Torchwood would know before their own families. Jack flashed his proof of identity at the receptionist. She stood up with a sigh of annoyance.

"I'll see if he is able to accept visitors."

While she went to check on Ianto, Jack was approached by the police officer who'd brought him in. He explained to Jack the events that brought them here. He then asked if Jack could shed any light on Mr Jones' injuries. Jack had no interest in dealing with the local plod, so he showed the officer his Torchwood I.D. It meant nothing to the constable and so he radioed his station. He wasn't at all happy when he was told by his superiors to drop any inquiries. He left Jack and the hospital to resume his street patrol.

"Mr Jones is in room 3, down the corridor, 3rd door on the left."

Jack hadn't even noticed the receptionist had returned.

"Thank you." He said to her as he treated her to a dashing grin. She almost smiled back.

Jack got to Ianto's room so quickly; it was almost as though he'd teleported. He slowly pushed the door open, afraid of what he'd find. It was nowhere near as bad as he'd expected. Ianto lay in a half-sitting position, the only indication of treatment was the drip in his arm. It probably contained morphine, Jack reasoned. He pulled a chair up to the bedside and sat down. Ianto seemed to be sleeping but his eyes flickered open when Jack told hold of his hand. He smiled somewhat groggily at his commander.

"Hi Jack." he murmured.

Jack felt the tightness in his chest dissipate.

"Ianto Jones, what are you playing at?"

It had been said playfully and Jack didn't expect the response it got. Ianto started to cry.

"This is what I didn't want," he mumbles through sobs. "I knew I would break down eventually. I usually wait until I'm alone. I hate coming across as whiny."

"What do you mean by 'usually'?"

Ianto ignored the question, choosing instead to bring his emotions under control.

A few moments later, Ianto had composed himself and was wearing his carefully constructed mask of indifference. The only evidence to the contrary was a slight redness around the eyes. Jack asked him, gently, why he had refused anyone's help.

"I look after you lot," was the young Welshman's reply. "I'm the one who 'clears up after you and gets you everywhere on time. Who would do it if I was sick or injured?"

"We would cope, Yan."

Jack wasn't completely surprised by Ianto's words. He knew the other man took pride in being able to perform his job beyond an excellent standard. The captain also knew he rarely showed emotions or weaknesses

"I needed to be on my own," Ianto continued. "I hadn't realised how badly hurt I was. In hindsight, I've been a bit of an idiot. I should have let Owen see to me."

Jack smiled.

"He's gonna go spare when he finds out you're here."

"I already know."

Jack turned and saw Torchwood's resident medic entering the room. He had Ianto's treatment file in his hands.

"I was in the middle of something fun," he told them. "I got a call from a nurse looking for Mr Ianto Jones' personal physician. Bit of a superiority complex there."

"What's the damage?" asked Jack.

"Nothing too major," Owen replied, glancing at the notes. "Two cracked ribs, severe muscle strain across the shoulders, massive bruising and a concussion."

He looked straight at Ianto and adopted his professional guise.

"Your injuries are not life-threatening, you can be discharged. However, you need someone with you for the next 48 hours, so you're going to the hub with Jack."

He looked to Jack to check that it was okay with him. The captain nodded without hesitation.

"Okay Ianto, get dressed and get going. You can pick up the medications I've prescribed, from reception. The instruction are included Jack. I'm going back to what I was doing. Call me if anything happens."

Owen left the room and moments later a nurse came in to remove Ianto's drip. When she finished, Jack helped Ianto to dress. Holding on to the younger man, Jack guided Ianto to reception for the medication, then to the SUV. It seemed to take forever. Jack was amused to see that the vehicle hadn't been touched even though the yobs were still around. After making sure Ianto was comfortable in the passenger seat, he climbed into the driver's seat and switched on the engine.

"New Torchwood policy," he announced suddenly. "All injuries, however minor, must be checked out by Owen before the injured party goes home."

Ianto gave him a weak smile.

"Okay."

"One more thing," Jack went on. "Next time you need alone time, please tell me why. I respect your privacy Ianto, but I need to know you're okay. Can you do that for me?"

Ianto mentally weighed up the pros and cons of opening up to Jack. It didn't take long.

"Yes Jack, I can do that."

"Good." Jack pushed sown the accelerator and took his errant colleague back to the hub.

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Ianto was perfectly capable of getting into the hub under his own steam but was content to allow Jack to help him. The pain from his injuries was no more than a dull ache, thanks to the medication he'd been given at the hospital. Jack had his arm around Ianto's back, which was more for his own peace of mind than as an aid to Ianto. He guided him over to the sofa and helped him to sit down.

"Coffee?"

"Actually Sir," replied Ianto "I'd rather have tea. Darjeeling."

"Coming right up."

Jack made his way up to Ianto's coffee domain. He wouldn't normally let anyone else up here when he was around. From the gantry, he could clearly see Ianto on the sofa and the sight was heart-rending. Ianto had his arms wrapped around himself as if trying to guard himself against the world. It was unusual for him to let himself be seen as 'not in control'. Jack suddenly felt very protective. He was naturally protective of his team, but this felt different. He wanted to protect Ianto from everything that could harm him. In a way though, Jack was pleased that Ianto seemed to have made a first step into opening up to him. He intended to take full advantage by coaxing him to pour his heart out. The young Welshman needed it.

"There you go." Jack handed Ianto's tea to him.

"Thank you Sir." Ianto accepted the mug and took a tentative sip. He wasn't at all confident in Jack's tea-making abilities.

"I wish you'd call me Jack, you managed earlier at the hospital."

"Thank you, Jack."

Jack sat down next to Ianto, without getting into Ianto's personal space.

"Okay Yan, feel like talking?" he asked quietly.

Ianto sighed deeply and leant back, resting his head on the back of the sofa.

"Yes and no." he confessed.

Jack adopted the same position as Ianto, and then put his feet up on the table. Ianto didn't even comment, which worried Jack somewhat.

"I know that this whole 'opening up' thing is difficult for you," he told the other man, "but bottling everything is gonna cause a stroke or something eventually. You can trust me you know."

"I know," Ianto answered. "It's trusting myself that's the main problem."

Jack gave him a puzzled look.

"How do you mean?" he asked suspiciously.

"I'm terrified that if I start telling you stuff, the floodgates will burst and I won't stop."

Jack allowed himself a small smile.

"That's a good thing Ianto. I've got all the time in the world."

Ianto mirrored Jack's smile.

"I don't want to do all that crying and sobbing stuff. Snot goes everywhere," he laughed at himself.

"That's disgusting Yan, but if that is all that is bothering you, let it rip. I can cope with snot and tears."

Ianto drained his tea and fidgeted with the mug for a while. Jack waited.

"I don't know where to start," Ianto said at long last.

"Start small," Jack suggested. "I know Owen gets to you. Start with him."

There was barely a pause before Ianto launched into a tirade against Doctor Harper.

"Owen is a twat and an arsehole."

Jack could barely believe the venom in Ianto's voice. He was even sneering.

"What really bugs me," Ianto went on. "Is the way he belittles me. He's a great doctor, I'll give him that, but I'm also damn good at what I do. He gives me no recognition for that fact. I do more than make excellent coffee and clean up, yet he treats me like his personal maid. And I let him! If he keeps calling me tea-boy, I'm going to deck him."

Ianto was sitting up with anger by this point and Jack had put a calming hand on his back. He could feel Ianto shaking and was uncertain if it was with rage or was due to his injuries.

"We're all aware of what you do here, even if we don't acknowledge it often enough," Jack told him. "Even Owen. Like you say, though, he is an asshole. I could have a serious word with him if you like."

Ianto shook his head, which he immediately regretted. His headache was creeping back.

"No, don't. It'd only rub him up the wrong way. And you know what he's like when he goes off on a one."

"Okay, but the offer is always there."

"Thanks. My colleagues at Torchwood One gave me a lot more respect than he does.

The mention of Torchwood One seemed to drain the life from Ianto. His whole body sagged in absolute despair. Jack sat up and put his arm around Ianto's shoulders. This was where the real talking would begin.

"Did you ever talk to anyone about the Battle of Canary Wharf?"

It was a long time before Ianto answered.

"No." He shocked himself with the amount of pain in that one tiny word.

"So you've had no counselling?" Not that Jack was entirely surprised.

"I had other priorities at the time. I had Lisa to look after."

Jack winced. Lisa was not a subject he liked to think about, but knew they would be discussing her soon. He ploughed on.

"Not many people survived that day. You were one of the lucky ones."

Ianto's shoulders seemed to slump even further. He felt utterly desolate. He'd spent so much time denying his emotions; he wasn't sure how to deal with them now they were free.

"I only survived because I wasn't there."

This was news to Jack. He'd always understood Ianto had been in the thick of it.

"I was stuck on the tube when it all kicked off," the Welshman continued. "My train was stuck underground for hours. By the time we got out, the battle was over. I couldn't believe the carnage and I ran straight to the tower to find Lisa. When I found her, she was unconscious, which was probably just as well for her. I vomited at the sight of her. I should have killed her there and then, but I couldn't bring myself to do it and I couldn't leave her."

"We haven't really talked about Lisa properly, have we?"

"Didn't want to." Just thinking about her was painful enough for him.

Jack stood up and began pacing, slowly.

"For what it's worth, Yan, I do understand and I forgive."

Ianto looked up at Jack, who was looking at him with earnest, and realised he meant every word.

"But you don't forget," he stated, without malice.

"Not that easy to, but if your statement actually meant 'Will I ever trust you again?' then yes. I already do."

Ianto had definitely not been expecting that.

"Really?" he asked.

"Yes." Jack told him. "You did a brilliant job of destroying the trust, but you're part of my team. As such, I have to trust you. If I didn't, you wouldn't be here."

Jack stopped pacing and thrust his hands into his pockets.

"Now, tell me, what do you feel inside?"

"Empty, but it's been like that for so long it's become normality." Ianto began to study his mug intently. Jack could tell something big was coming.

"When she died, I could have died too. Almost did."

"You don't mean...?"

"There were a few times I came close to killing myself." He was speaking so quietly, Jack could barely hear him. "I even considered giving myself a Retcon overdose."

Jack felt very guilty about not keeping a closer eye on his young colleague. Of course, he knew Ianto had been emotionally messed-up by Lisa's death, but he hadn't done much to help in the days and weeks that followed.

"Why didn't you come to me?" he asked, knowing full well why not.

"You were mad at me."

"Yes I was," Jack said as kindly as he could. "But I still would have tried to help."

"No-one could help."

Despite all odds, Ianto managed to sound even more desolate. He felt worse than he sounded. Finally admitting that he'd considered suicide was a lot tougher on him than he'd imagined it would be. It was like admitting failure. Once again, he looked Jack directly in the eye and saw nothing but concern. Ianto was glad he didn't see pity. He couldn't have handled it if Jack pitied him.

"Look, I'm not going to tell you that it will get better, because it won't."

It wasn't exactly what Ianto thought Jack would say.

"That's reassuring," he commented.

Jack sat back down next to Ianto, closer than before but Ianto didn't react adversely.

"You'll never get over Lisa, but you'll learn to live with the pain and the loss."

Jack wanted to take Ianto's hand into his own, to physically convey his support.

"There may even come a day, when you can think about her and the pain will hardly register, but it will still be there. So will I."

"How do you move on?" Ianto showed no indication of taking in Jack's statement to be there for him.

"You just do, you have to. If you don't, you crack up big time."

"That sounds like the voice of experience."

Jack nodded sadly.

"It is, but we're not here to talk about me. This is all about you."

Ianto became suddenly uncomfortable with Jack's closeness and stood up. He walked over to Owen's workstation and, absent-mindedly, began pressing random buttons on the keyboard.

"I'm very sorry it all happened Jack."

Ianto couldn't even look his captain in the eye as he said it. The shame was too great.

"It was never my intention to get everyone killed."

"Of course it wasn't." Jack had never believed that for a minute.

"I endangered the entire planet. You may have forgiven me, but I'll never forgive myself."

Jack got up and guided Ianto back to the sofa. He, himself, stayed standing.

"At Torchwood One, betrayal like this would have meant summary execution," Ianto still wasn't sure why he hadn't been executed by Jack.

"One, this isn't Torchwood One. Two, I do things differently. Three, You're not the only person who's inadvertently endangered the planet."

Jack ignored Ianto's look of confusion and sat down on Tosh's stool.

"I've done it myself and my motives weren't anywhere near as noble as yours. You did it for love, I did it for money."

An uneasy silence descended between the two men and they sat, not looking at each other, for several minutes. The silence was broken by Jack.

"We need something stronger than tea and coffee," he declared, going into his office.

"I'm not supposed to drink with my medication," Ianto called after him.

Jack emerged, carrying two glasses of whisky. He handed one to Ianto.

"One won't kill you."

Jack swallowed his down in one go while Ianto sipped. The captain once again sat by Ianto and the younger man didn't feel quite so uncomfortable this time.

"Wanna change the subject?" Jack asked him.

"Christ yes!" Ianto responded, slightly too readily.

"It's your conversation, your choice."  
Ianto shrugged. He wanted to bring up the Brecon Beacons, but it was too recent. It was still too raw. He realised though that he had to talk about it, to begin the healing process. Ianto was already beginning to feel better within himself.  
"The last couple of days haven't been overly great," he understated.

"No. You've been hurt pretty badly."

"It's not just that. I can deal with the physical pain and, in time, I'll probably be able to cope with all the emotional shit." At least, he hoped so. He already had too many nightmares.  
"I spend most of my time in the hub and it's left my combat skills somewhat lacking."

Jack couldn't deny it. Ianto had a right hook that quite easily took Jack down, but in a prolonged fight, he would probably come out the loser.

"I can help you with that." Jack promised. "Once you're fully recovered."

"I'd appreciate that. Thanks."

"No problem. However, I think you did okay. You helped Tosh escape."

Embarrassment registered on Ianto's features.

"Did she tell you how I got slightly hysterical after we were captured?"

"She did tell me that you felt overwhelmed by it all."

It was hardly surprising. Jack himself had been overwhelmed by the whole thing and he'd seen a lot of things in his long life.

"Not very professional," Ianto admitted.

"Understandable though," Jack reassured him. "Like you said, your time is spent here. From now on, I want you in the field more often."

Without warning, Ianto stood up again. The motion was accompanied by rapidly returning pain.

"I'm tired."

"Okay," said Jack, also standing up. "Take my bed, I don't need it."

Inside his own head, Jack was longing to lie alongside Ianto and hold him while he slept.

"Take a couple of these first," he said, handing Ianto the tub of pills Owen had prescribed.

"One question Yan."

"Yeah?"

"Where's all the snot and tears," he asked lightly. "I hope you weren't holding back on me."

Ianto looked momentarily thoughtful then started to smile.

"Do you know what Jack, there aren't any. I don't need to cry."

Jack could see it in Ianto's eyes. There was definitely more life there than there had been. It wasn't the end of Ianto's troubles but it was the start of the end. Jack pulled Ianto into a hug, expecting him to resist and was pleased when he didn't. In fact, the young Welshman hugged him back like he'd been waiting for it all his life. Jack had to resist the very strong urge to kiss Ianto. It wasn't easy.

The Captain carefully pulled away from the hug, fearing what he might do if they stood there any longer.

"Go to bed Ianto, and thank you for sharing."

Ianto rewarded Jack with a genuinely happy smile. The sight of it lifted Jack's spirits more than he thought possible.

"Thank you for listening. Goodnight Sir."

"Goodnight."

Jack made sure that Ianto climbed down the ladder safely before going up to the boardroom. He still had a few reports to finish and would probably disturb Ianto if he stayed in his office. He felt like a barrier had been removed from between the younger man and himself. He secretly began to imagine a future in which he and Ianto could be closer. For now, it was too soon. Ianto was healing and Jack could wait.


End file.
